brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
