Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
