I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
