I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
