hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
