Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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