I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
