If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
