just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
