I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
