She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
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We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
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I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did