There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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