Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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