I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
