I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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