the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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