I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
