I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
