i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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