I could make wine with my vomit
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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