We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
