So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
