I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
