when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
