you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
