in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
