and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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