Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
