Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
