Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
