I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
