he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize