I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I think my vagina is haunted
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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