i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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