look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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