She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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