Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
