So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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