So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Randomize
