she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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