zippers are such a cool invention
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
