It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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