I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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