I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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