I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just forgot I was standing up.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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