I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
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Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
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Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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