I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I smell like Dick and happiness
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
