I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
