found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
