I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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