So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
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I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
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Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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