When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize